Whale-Sex®: Ask Joseph™

Joseph Papparelli's™ Wonderful World of Whale-Sex®

Ask Joseph:
The only Whale-Sex® advice column on the Internet.

Hello, and welcome to "Ask Joseph". My name is Joseph Papparelli™, and I'm here to help you with all your Whale-Sex® problems, big and small. If you have any questions, please feel free to mail me, and we'll deal with your problem right here on the Web site. Enjoy!

(12-04-99)

Dear Joseph,

I have heard that Whale-Sex® can be hazardous to your health. As a frequent partaker in Whale-Sex®, This worries me a great deal. Can you please tell me what the health implications of Whale-Sex® , if any, there really are?

Thanking you in advance,
Ralph Huey

Dear Ralph,

These rumours which you have heard are nothing more than malicious attacks by those too closed-minded to see the merits of Whale-Sex®. Not only has Whale-Sex® been proven to not be detrimental to your health, it has also been known to lower blood pressure, decrease risk of heart disease, and even to cure cancer! Truly, Whale-Sex® is a beautiful thing. Doctors recommend partaking in it at least twice daily, and recommend it even more to attain great health and social well-being.

Yours truly,
-Joseph™

(09-04-99)

Dear Joseph,

I likes thu whazl and i went to hav sexs with em. My mum seds that waz not for gud un her hows. I do to get whall sex in the hous no kick out?

Sincerely,
Dr. J. Wenderson, Ph. D.

Dear Dr. J,

I have one simple bit of advice for you in order to get this past your mother: be discreet.
Many people can have very long-term relationships with whales without anyone knowing... even people living in the same household! When you go to work, hide the whale under your bed with plenty of water, and leave some plankton or tuna. When you arrive home at night, tell your mother you're going upstairs to do "some Dr. stuff", at which time you may enjoy many hours of uninterrupted Whale-Sex®.

Yours truly,
-Joseph™

(09-04-99)

Dear Joseph,

I have been a big Whale-Sex® fan for as long as I can remember. My dad, being an old navy man and fisherman, brought me and my brothers up with a strict routine of early morning excercise, drills, and Whale-Sex®.

Being a sailor, he had a lot to say about superstitions: It is considered bad luck to have sex with a narwhal. I have avoided sexual encounters with narwhals up to now, but am not sure whether this is founded on real danger, or is simply a superstition to be tossed over the left shoulder like.

Thanks in advance,
T. B.

Dear T.B.,

It is truly unfortunate how such rumors are perpetuated even in our "enlightened" times.
For centuries, the narwhal has been considered a dangerous foe; not a fabulous species of whale fully deserving of our Whale-Sex®, and all it has to offer.

There are legitimate reasons for people being frightened of the narwhal. These include its forboding size and posture, and not to mention serious dangers involved in oral activity with such a creature. My advice is this: do not fear the narwhal, love it. Your father's superstitious beliefs have no grounding in reality, and to deny your inner feelings only robs the narwhal of all the love you can possible give.
In Fact, the only reason people tend to fear the narwhal is the simple fact that they can be (INSERT CORNY PUN-JOKE HERE) a little horny at times.

The best of luck to you.

Yours truly,
-Joseph™

(08-04-99)

Dear Joseph,

My girlfriend and I have been experimenting in diferent types of sex.When I mentioned trying sex with a whale,she became angry. Do you have any ideas as to how I might "warm her up" ? I tried renting Moby Dick,but it didn't work.

Are there any species of whales that would be better to start with?(humpback,sperm,killer?)

thanks,
R.T.P.

Dear R.T.P.,

This is a very common concern for those starting out with Whale-Sex®. The fact is, many people are quite hesitant to begin a relationship with a large whale right from the start.

My advice to you is start small. Perhaps surprising your girlfriend with a small aquatic mammal, such as a porpoise or dolphin would be adequate to begin with. Once she becomes accustomed to this, work your way up to a larger animal, such as a small beluga. Once she's comfortable with this, introduce larger species.

The sad fact is, many couples don't really get to enjoy all that Whale-Sex® has to offer. Too often I hear of people telling me they started with a large humpback or even a blue! Not only does this massive attempt take the joy out of Whale-Sex® for novices, it will quite simply ruin your relationship, your job, and your life.

I hope things work out.

Yours truly,
-Joseph™

(07-04-99)

Dear Joseph,

Recently, I was touring the world in a hot-air balloon. I spotted a pod of whales, and decided I might want to have sex with them. Unfortunately, the dopes from GreenPeace were on a ship nearby, and managed to illegally sink my balloon.

My quesiton is this: What legal remedies do I have, and what could I legally have done to stop them?

Yours Truly,
Narls Pickering

Dear Narls,

This is all too common. A distinguished, ordinary person attempts to sail around the world in a balloon, and on the way want to have sex with a few whales. Next thing you know, the guys from GreenPeace sink your nice balloon

If there's one thing i have to say, it's this: They just don't get it.

Fortunately, you do have legal remedies. According to International and Domestic law, you are not only legally entitled to use ANY FORCE NECESSARY to protect your acts of Whale-Sex®, but you're also entitled to kill, maim or otherwise harm any person or group who have aided in these horrendous acts.

Stick it to 'em, Narls.

Yours truly,
-Joseph™

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