Whale-Sex®: UN Report on Whale-Sex®

Joseph Papparelli's™ Wonderful World of Whale-Sex®

In 1997, Secretary General Kofi Anan called for a special commission to look into the importance of Whale-Sex® and to make recommendations to the General Assembly and Security Council. Recently, UNSCOWS finished their report regarding Whale-Sex® and subsequently issued it to the GA and SC. This section contains the highlights of the report, and actions taken by the United Nations.

Recommendations made by the United Nations Special Committee on Whale Sex (UNSCOWS)

1. Creation of a program for the proliferation of Whale-Sex® on a global basis

2. Calls for severe penalties including total war and/or nuclear annhialation for all states restricting Whale-Sex® within their sovereign territory

3. Requests for all nations to donate 5.7% of their total Gross National Product (GNP) for implementation of Whale-Sex® programs

4. A call for all locations in which Whale-Sex® occurs to be designated as World Heritage sites

5. Designation of prevention of Whale-Sex® as a Human Rights violation, and in times of insurrection or war as a War Crime, punishable by death

6. A recognition of Whale-Sex® as an activity common to all cultures of humanity, and one which brings all human beings together

7. A multilateral treaty ending all barriers to international Whale-Sex® practices

8. Creation of a UN body with the sole purpose of increasing the practice of Whale-Sex® globally, and with authority to use any means necessary to do so

9. Ending peacekeeping operations and humanitarian aid in order to delegate resources to truly necessary operations, specifically Whale-Sex®

10. Enumerating Whale-Sex® connoisseurs as an enumerated group in the Universal Declaration of Human Rights

Subsequent Resolution Passed by the United Nations General Assembly

(Passed by a margin of 178-0)

General Assembly Resolution 1536

The General Assembly,

Recognizing the inherent good in Whale-Sex®,

Recalling the recommendations made by the United Nations Special Committee on Whale-Sex® (UNSCOWS)

Cognizant of past injustices toward the practice of Whale-Sex® and Whale-Sex® connoisseurs,

Realizing the importance of a well-funded, global program for increased participation and better funding in Whale-Sex®,

Requests that UNSCOWS be designated as an official UN body, with all powers and privileges of a UN body,

Calls upon all nations of the world to donate 5.7% of their GNP for the creation and implementation of a program to increase and fund Whale-Sex® activities globally,
Designates all places of Whale-Sex® activity as World Heritage sites
Further designates Whale-Sex® as protected under the Universal Declaration of Human Rights
Further requests all nations of the world to end trade barriers harming the practice of Whale-Sex®
Timidly asks the Security Council to consider further action toward the greater implementation of Whale-Sex®

Resolution passed by the Security Council

(by a margin of 15-0)

The Security Council,

Recognizing the atrocities committed by certain states toward connoisseurs of Whale-Sex®

Concerned at the absence of a powerful, fast-acting body in the United Nations to deal with security issues regarding Whale-Sex®

Recalling GA resolution 1536 and recommendations made by UNSCOWS

Authorizes deadly force, including total war and\or nuclear strikes against any nation refusing to allow free practice of Whale-Sex®
Delegates authority to UNSCOWS to act in any fashion in order to preserve the practice of Whale-Sex® and the lives of Whale-Sex® connoisseurs everywhere
Declares an end to all humanitarian aid and peacekeeping operations, with revenues tied up in such activities to go wholly toward UNSCOWS and proliferation and promotion of Whale-Sex®
Allows for peacekeeping troops, in the amount of 100,000,000, to be ready for deployment in the event that a Whale-Sex® human rights violation is found to have occurred
Further authorizes funds to be used in the establishment of a Permanent Tribunal for Whale-Sex® crimes, and authorizes said tribunal to punish all war criminals with death
Remains to be actively seized of the matter.

Statement to the Press following actions by the GA and SC

By Secretary General Kofi Anan

Ladies and Gentlemen, members of the Press, citizens of Earth*

We have come to a great moment in history. Not only has Whale-Sex® been recognized as an important activity, it has not been given the protection it deserves under international law. If any nation decides to persecute connoisseurs of Whale-Sex®, the United Nations Special Committee on Whale-Sex®, or UNSCOWS may now act in any manner they percieve to be necessary. Such actions may range from the simple killing of those who oppose Whale-Sex® to the complete nuclear annhialation of the transgressing state. I must say, I simply cannot be happier.

I am incredibly happy, and look forward to the next several centuries of peace and security because of these new developments.

Kofi Anan

*it is a little known fact that Kofi Anan is in fact a super-powered space alien, here to save Earth from the ravages of war, and to promote Whale-Sex®